ABRAHAM…PATRIARCH OR CON MAN?
Bible stories about
Abraham are preached and talked about a great deal by the clergy. When I went to church and Sunday school I
heard a lot about Abraham and how he was the Patriarch of the Jewish people and
all around great guy. Then I started reading
the Bible and things really didn’t make much sense, as is often the case when
you sit down and read the Bible.
Things get really convoluted in the Bible. It’s almost as if there were two or more versions
of the Bible and somebody decided to mash them all together. Read the Genesis account of Creation and you
find two different accounts both in Genesis 1:25-27 and 2:18-22. There are three different versions of the Ten
Commandments in Exodus 20: 2-17 / 34: 12-26 and Deuteronomy 5:6-21.
When we get to the story of Abraham things really turn
weird. Preachers love to focus on
Abraham and Sarah having a child, Isaac, when Abraham was 100 and Sarah was 90
years old. That alone is weird and
creepy. It gets creepier. Either Sarah was Abraham’s niece or his
half-sister. We really don’t know
because there appears to be two versions.
In the first version in Genesis 11: 29-27 it would seem that Sarah is
his niece.
Genesis
11
27 This
is the account of Terah’s family line.
Terah became the father of Abram, Nahor and Haran. And Haran became the
father of Lot. 28 While
his father Terah was still alive, Haran died in Ur of the Chaldeans, in the
land of his birth. 29 Abram
and Nahor both married. The name of Abram’s wife was Sarai, and the name of
Nahor’s wife was Milkah; she was the daughter of Haran, the father of both
Milkah and Iskah.
In Genesis 20:11-12, the second version
of this weird and creepy story, Abraham claims that Sarah is his sister by another
mother.
Genesis 20
11 Abraham replied, “I said to myself, ‘There is surely no fear of
God in this place, and they will kill me because of my wife.’12 Besides,
she really is my sister, the daughter of my father though not of my mother; and
she became my wife.
We don’t know if Sarah was his
half-sister or niece, but it doesn’t really matter. Abraham pawned her off as his sister, that we
know for sure. Abraham was the first to
use the confidence scam called the Jealous Husband. Actually the Con used today is a variation of
Abraham’s original scam. Today’s Jealous
Husband works like this; the mark meets a beautiful girl in the bar and after
some drinks she invites him up to her room.
As she starts to take off her clothes
the husband (Con-man) breaks in and
catches them in the act. He then demands
money from the mark. The mark can’t let
this get back to his wife so he pays up.
The Bible says Abraham used this Con
twice, once in Egypt and again in the land of Negev. Both times Abraham makes a
big score. Can Abraham’s actions be
considered the righteous acts of a holy man?
In Egypt he instructs Sarah to tell the
Egyptians that she is his sister, because Abraham seems to think the Egyptians
will kill him and take Sarah. He feels
they are an ungodly bunch and have no morals.
But it appears to be the reverse.
When the Pharaoh finds out that Sarah is Abraham’s wife he genuinely
feels guilt and shame for taking Sarah as one of his wives. He ask Abraham, “What have you done to me?”
and “Why didn’t you tell me she was your wife?” It sounds as though Pharaoh was
the more righteous man. Abraham makes
off with sheep, cattle, donkeys, male and female slaves and camels. The pickens was good.
Genesis 12
10 Now there was a famine in the
land, and Abram went down to Egypt to live there for a while because the famine
was severe.11 As he was about to enter Egypt, he
said to his wife Sarai, “I know what a beautiful woman you are. 12 When the Egyptians see
you, they will say, ‘This is his wife.’ Then they will kill me but will let you
live. 13 Say you are my sister, so
that I will be treated well for your sake and my life will be spared because of
you.”
14 When Abram came to Egypt, the Egyptians saw that Sarai was a
very beautiful woman. 15 And
when Pharaoh’s officials saw her, they praised her to Pharaoh, and she was
taken into his palace.16 He treated Abram well for her sake, and Abram acquired sheep and
cattle, male and female donkeys, male and female servants, and camels.
17 But the Lord inflicted serious
diseases on Pharaoh and his household because of Abram’s wife Sarai. 18 So Pharaoh summoned Abram. “What have you done to me?” he said.
“Why didn’t you tell me she was your wife? 19 Why did you say, ‘She is my sister,’ so that I took her to be my
wife? Now then, here is your wife. Take her and go!” 20 Then Pharaoh gave orders about Abram to his men, and they sent
him on his way, with his wife and everything he had.
A lot happens between this shake down
of the Pharaoh and the shake down of Abimelek.
Lot and Abraham part company, their livestock start getting mixed in
with each other and fights break out between the wranglers of Lot and Abraham. Sounds like a bad cowboy movie. Then Abraham has to rescues Lot from some Bad
Guys. Sounds like a bad gangster
movie. The Lord makes a covenant with
Abraham, he is impressed with Abraham’s thug ways. Oh yea, then there is the Hagar and Ishmael
incident. Seems Abraham and Sarah have
an open marriage. There’s some more high
times with Abraham and Sarah you can read it for yourself.
In Genesis 20, Abraham has out stayed
his welcome so he moves on to a land called Negev. It’s the region of present day Southern
Israel. He might have been a little
poorer for ware and needed to refill his coffers. So he makes a move on King Abimelek of
Gerar. Abraham plays the Con the same
way he did in Egypt, no use to fix it if it ain’t broke. Abe tells Abimelek that Sarah is his sister
and right on cue she’s taken as one of the Kings wives.
Genesis 20
1Now Abraham moved on from there
into the region of the Negev and lived between Kadesh and Shur. For a while he
stayed in Gerar, 2 and there Abraham said of
his wife Sarah, “She is my sister.” Then Abimelek king of Gerar sent for Sarah
and took her.
Now Abraham has another member of his crew
that religious con-artist don’t have today.
God. And he is one Bad-Ass. Abe doesn’t have to break any doors down, he has
God do the dirty work. In a dream one
night God tells Abimelek, “You’re good as dead.” But Abimelek stands up to God and says, “Hey,
hey bite me! Dude told me she was his
sister. And anyway I didn’t even touch her!” God has to back down, then God
claims it was he who didn’t let Abimelek touch Sarah. So he tells Abimelek to give Sarah back and
tag tag no tag back. Everything is cool.
Genesis 20
3 But God came to Abimelek in a dream one night and said to him,
“You are as good as dead because of the woman you have taken; she is a married
woman.”4 Now Abimelek had not gone near her, so he said, “Lord, will you
destroy an innocent nation? 5 Did
he not say to me, ‘She is my sister,’ and didn’t she also say, ‘He is my
brother’? I have done this with a clear conscience and clean hands.”
6 Then God said to him in the dream, “Yes, I know you did this
with a clear conscience, and so I have kept you from sinning against me. That
is why I did not let you touch her. 7 Now return the man’s wife, for he is a prophet, and he will pray
for you and you will live. But if you do not return her, you may be sure that
you and all who belong to you will die.”
As with Pharaoh, Abimelek comes across as
more of a righteous person than Abraham.
He too displays genuine guilt and shame after taking Sarah as one of his
wives. He says to Abraham, “You have
done things to me that should never be done.”
But yet Abraham is touted as a Prophet and Patriarch.
Genesis 20
8 Early the next morning Abimelek summoned all his officials, and
when he told them all that had happened, they were very much afraid. 9 Then Abimelek called Abraham in and said, “What have you done to
us? How have I wronged you that you have brought such great guilt upon me and
my kingdom? You have done things to me that should never be done.” 10 And Abimelek asked Abraham, “What was your reason for doing
this?” 11 Abraham replied, “I said to myself, ‘There is surely no fear of
God in this place, and they will kill me because of my wife.’12 Besides,
she really is my sister, the daughter of my father though not of my mother; and
she became my wife. 13 And
when God had me wander from my father’s household, I said to her, ‘This is how
you can show your love to me: Everywhere we go, say of me, “He is my
brother.”’”
Just
like in Egypt Abraham and his crew score big, really big. Abimelek gives him sheep, cattle, and slaves
(male and female). And he tells Abraham
to pick out as much land as he thinks he will need to live on. Abimelek
then tells Sarah he is giving a thousand shekels of silver to Abraham to cover
any misunderstanding.
14 Then Abimelek brought sheep and cattle and male and female
slaves and gave them to Abraham, and he returned Sarah his wife to him. 15 And Abimelek said, “My land is before you; live wherever you
like.”
16 To Sarah he said, “I am giving your brother a thousand shekels[a] of silver. This is to
cover the offense against you before all who are with you; you are completely
vindicated.”
Who are the Godly and who are the Ungodly
in these stories? Is it the man who
married his niece, pawned her off as his sister and extorted land and wealth
from unsuspecting men? Or is it men who
were not of the same family or religion as Abraham that were ungodly? Is that
the lesson we should take from this Bible story. Anybody who is not like us is fair game for
anything we want to do to them, in the name of God. Abimelek said the most damning statement to
Abraham, “You have done things to me that should never be done.”
It would appear that Abraham is no Prophet
or Patriarch….he’s just fucked up like a soup sandwich.
